i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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