Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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