what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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