did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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