just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
