There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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