I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
