WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
