I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
