If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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