Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
