Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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