I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
