i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
