I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i need some magic done to my vagina
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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