Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
barbara walters just said penis...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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