I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
