There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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