Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
