there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
