Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
