some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
