sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
