Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
