Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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