my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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