My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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