can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
