I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
