dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
