I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
