At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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