from now on my penis is your penis
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
you had me at cake vodka
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
