im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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