Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
