it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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