the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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