i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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