Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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