I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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