just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
