I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
