He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize