my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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