I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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