Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
