Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
3pm strippers are depressing
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
