if only i could text you this smell
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
