please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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