Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
