So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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