I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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