Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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