Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
