My room smells like vodka and shame
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
