College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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