The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
