Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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