he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
