i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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