i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
