paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
