im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
