he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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