Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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