you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
