you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize